I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. None that I can say have really made me a better or worse person. Most of the time they kind of just describe who I am. I don’t know who I am supposed to be though. Am I supposed to be like my brother who is the epitome of success, or am I supposed to be like my other brother a roaming nomad who never settles in one place for too long. I don’t know the answer to these questions. I just am who i am. I’m John Williams. No matter what I can and can’t do it doesn’t change who I am. The character that I portray in the play called “Life,” is someone of no great importance to a giant world he lives in. He is the hopeful and talkative narcissist that his friends and family enjoy.
I’ve kind of hit a rut in my life in this brand new year of 2016. I hold too many grudges and get way to angry. I feel like I did when I was younger. Completely shy and unapproachable by anyone and everyone. I don’t even remember who I used to be four years ago. I remember being in constant fear of how people felt about me and always trying to get the acceptance of everyone around me. I also remember how I had changed myself to be a completely different person than what I was. Now in this day I have changed every year since than. Each year being a completely different person, but always with the same internal likeness that made coming to me for advice helpful. This rut I am in has changed my internal image. I can’t feel empathy anymore. My mind is clouded with extreme loneliness and anger.
My anger caused by my hatred towards myself. Each day gets me stressed out with wondering when my next problem is going to unfold on me. I used to be able to leave thinking about the future down. Never cared about the effects that it would have on my future self. Holding back emotions that would have been better left expressed to someone who could have helped me with them. Always having someone to talk to and having someone to relate to you are completely different. I could never find the latter. No one I know of has experienced life the way I have, but I do not want this to be thought of as a sob story. I had a good upbringing for the most part. I just was not part of a family that showed emotion until we got older.
To this day I am known as the angriest child. I didn’t have tantrums to get what I want or to get attention. I was just angry at what life had given me. It gave me a scar on my face that I couldn’t come to terms with until after I turned nineteen. It gave the inability to keep focus on a subject for more than five minutes unless it was of something that interested me. I still to this day can’t keep focused on what I want to do for the rest of my life and I now live with greatest friend I’ve ever had.
I know what my problem is I just can’t fix by myself. I have friends and I have family, but I don’t know.
I just feel alone…