I love her. her smile makes me uncomfortable. her personality makes me miss her. everything about her makes me go crazy. the distance makes me want to get closer. she loves someone else and I love her. I know what I should do, but I don’t want to do that. that’s not why I stay. her eyes bring out my soul. her smile brings out mine. she is my light and even if she doesn’t think I am what she needs. I will stay with her
My mind in thought. Dreaming of glowing light. Shining dimly with survival in thought. Slowly falling deeper and deeper. Still shining, still surviving. The slow burning light becoming dimmer. Decaying as if each step in its thoughts was diminishing it. Each thought becoming weaker. Each movement getting smaller. Until it reaches its end. the ember shall burn until its dying day.
I want to love. I need to love. You fight me at every turn. You block me from you. Every time I get close it adds more distance between us. I love how you smile. I love your beautiful smile. It is my sunshine. It is my peace. Don’t lock me away as a memory. I’m here and I’m waiting. I’m just a lonely soul. The love I feel isn’t puppy love. It goes deep. It is an extension of my mind. My physical being shows so much, but nothing in comparison to my mental state. To love you is a completion in my soul. To love you is a finalization of my life. While I may not say soul mate. I will say that if I had you. I’d be able to move on and finish my life with someone who finally gets me. I live you. Even if you don’t feel the same.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. None that I can say have really made me a better or worse person. Most of the time they kind of just describe who I am. I don’t know who I am supposed to be though. Am I supposed to be like my brother who is the epitome of success, or am I supposed to be like my other brother a roaming nomad who never settles in one place for too long. I don’t know the answer to these questions. I just am who i am. I’m John Williams. No matter what I can and can’t do it doesn’t change who I am. The character that I portray in the play called “Life,” is someone of no great importance to a giant world he lives in. He is the hopeful and talkative narcissist that his friends and family enjoy.
I’ve kind of hit a rut in my life in this brand new year of 2016. I hold too many grudges and get way to angry. I feel like I did when I was younger. Completely shy and unapproachable by anyone and everyone. I don’t even remember who I used to be four years ago. I remember being in constant fear of how people felt about me and always trying to get the acceptance of everyone around me. I also remember how I had changed myself to be a completely different person than what I was. Now in this day I have changed every year since than. Each year being a completely different person, but always with the same internal likeness that made coming to me for advice helpful. This rut I am in has changed my internal image. I can’t feel empathy anymore. My mind is clouded with extreme loneliness and anger.
My anger caused by my hatred towards myself. Each day gets me stressed out with wondering when my next problem is going to unfold on me. I used to be able to leave thinking about the future down. Never cared about the effects that it would have on my future self. Holding back emotions that would have been better left expressed to someone who could have helped me with them. Always having someone to talk to and having someone to relate to you are completely different. I could never find the latter. No one I know of has experienced life the way I have, but I do not want this to be thought of as a sob story. I had a good upbringing for the most part. I just was not part of a family that showed emotion until we got older.
To this day I am known as the angriest child. I didn’t have tantrums to get what I want or to get attention. I was just angry at what life had given me. It gave me a scar on my face that I couldn’t come to terms with until after I turned nineteen. It gave the inability to keep focus on a subject for more than five minutes unless it was of something that interested me. I still to this day can’t keep focused on what I want to do for the rest of my life and I now live with greatest friend I’ve ever had.
I know what my problem is I just can’t fix by myself. I have friends and I have family, but I don’t know.
I just feel alone…
I am the restless nightmare. Wherever I go I am the worst possibility that enters the dark corners of the night. I pick at the threats of your sanity trying to erase it. While you pass away to your dreams I sneak into the happiness of your dreams and envelope your psyche. Each passing moment making your dream world mine. I am your self doubts. I am your missed chances. I am the past, the present, and the future and I am pure chaos. The destruction of the mind begins with me and ends when there is no more life to drain. I am your restless nightmare and you sleep when I do.
A fire set ablaze, but not in the forest or the pit. A fire lit in my heart by her wild eyes. They shine with passion, pain, and anger. Her wild eyes tell me what her mouth can’t. The passion and pain so held back while the anger lingers and awaits for its next opportunity to come out. I can see through her wild eyes and I see such compassion, but such loneliness. So alone is my wild eyed girl. So alone am I…
I believe a road less traveled is the next step in a life changing event. the path that suits you is not always the best choice for a good future. my road is filled with an intersection at every turn. No matter what path I choose a future exists for me. Your path is filled with beautiful choices. Each choice has the ability to change your life in a good or bad way. You choose yours like I choose mine. No other being has the ability to change it. My future is unwritten and never touches stone. A future I stand behind is the one I can change whenever I choose.
One’s life should not be ruled by the spectator they believe watches it. Life is too short to let the constant vigilance of another rule their actions. I believe in my friends and my family. I rule the future of my life and to let another take control would defeat the purpose of a full life. I love all people and no matter the hatred and pain I feel, I will not let another change who I am or how I live.
Towards the slumber I pass myself to my nightmares and dreams. To which the night gives is a mystery, but to what I give the night is my life. The forceful nature of the world to take a portion of my being and keep it locked away from me. A lifespan so short, yet it is shortened even more by the slumber. I sleep and dream that I will one day expel the need for sleep as it takes the essence of my life away. To sleep is a prison I would soon rather escape than spend the sentence it passes to me. I say to you goodnight and I will see you in the morning when I escape my cell and breathe back in my life for the next page in my ever expanding book.
To the eyes is to see, to the hands is to touch, to the ears is to hear, to the nose is to smell, and to the mouth is to taste. But what is… To feel. To the brain I feel, but to the heart I feel. I feel for the suffering, I feel for the weak, I feel for the strong, But to where does feel come from? Does it come from the heart or does it come from the mind. To where it comes is a mystery, but to why is even more of a secret. All I know is to feel is a gift and to not feel is a curse. To be emotionless is a burden. To feel is freedom and to feel is life. To feel is to the heart, mind, soul, and body. To each sense is feeling. The feeling that connects all. The feeling that protects and hurts but is life that binds us.